This has the best birthday I've had honestly, even though all month I've been feeling sick and fatigued. My friends have made this a good birthday and I could not be more thankful that I've been blessed with the luck of meeting them. Turning 17 seems so bittersweet to me, as a kid I didn't even think I would live past 15 but now I'm 17 and I'm expected to graduate at 18 although I most likely will have to repeat a year. Being 10 and expecting to kill yourself at a certain age and then living past said year really messes with your head, I'm simutaneously proud yet also dissapointed of where I am, I'm happy to be alive though and I want to keep going for as long as I possibly can. Seeing the rabbits around my neighbourhood makes me want to stay alive. Tasting the delicious cooking courtesy of my mother makes want me to stay alive. Reading the Transformers comics I love so much makes me want to stay alive and smelling the scent of petrichor after a walk in the rain makes me want to stay alive. The beauty in this world will keep me going and so will the sun that shines bright within my friends. Happy birthday to me! Here's to another year of pain and beauty.

I'm so happy!!! albeit dissapointed in myself...about 2 days ago I spent my birthday money to buy a collectors edition dvd of G1 Transformers, season 1 and My Little Pony/Transformers: The Magic of Cybertron for a total of $75... the dvd itself was $45 where I bought it in stores which is alot more expensive than alot of listings you can find online but... I like supporting indie businesses and the autism got to me so... I bought it 💔 I honestly dont regret buying it at all! the place I bought it at tends to price things fairly and is a family ran business so I'm very happy with my purchase! The collectable cels that come with the dvd are soooo cool and I love G1 so much! Rewatching it has given me alot of nostalgia from when I would watch it online as a kid and I love how bee is in G1... the silly... Overall I've been feeling very well this past week! Things are looking up and I hope to keep the momentum.

I AM EXPERIENCING ZOLOFT WITHDRAWAL

It's been a whole month since an entry!! hello!!! today, technically yesterday due to me writing this at 4AM, I went thrifting. I scored a Badger airbrush 105!! aswell as DVD's for Supernatural Season 1 and 2, I was supposed to attend an event dedicated to overdose awareness but I accidentally slept through it which I'm quite dissapointed by. This month I've been leaving my house alot to just go out for walks and go to events and places alone, which I dont really do at all unless its the library or convienence store, I'm proud of myself. Today weirdly made me realize how much I TRULY love being alive, it's a thing I say alot so it feels as if it doesn't have much substance behind it but when I say it but I really mean it every time I say it and I mean it with all of my soul. The world is so beautiful despite all the cruel and hateful people.
School starts in 4 days and I'm FAR from ready, I'm riddled with anxiety and thinking about the future puts a pit in my stomach but makes me so excited for all the people I will meet and the things I will create and see, I hope I can actually graduate this year but I also dont want to end school. In my mind I'm still a child, I dont really believe anybody is ever ready for what comes after graduation, but I feel as if I'm more unprepared and unsure than all those around me. I'm still a child and will probably be a "child" for the rest of my life, if not most of it. Everything is so beautiful and it scares me in certain way. I dont know how to wrap this up and this is my longest entry so far, anyways, be kind to your neighbours and spread as much love as you can. ♥

I went to therapy 2 days ago and I realised just how much of my life I dont remember, I of course dont remember the early years of my life like when I was a baby. I do remember when I was 5 years old, but about 6-7 years of my life after that is entirely gone from my memory, there are some things from those years that I do remember but I'ts so little and so faint that I feel it hardly counts as such. Those small glimpses of my life I do remember feel like the indents left on a page from a child who pressed too hard with their pencil on the paper before it. Those memories dont feel real, sort of like watching movie and I've always joked about how I have the mind of a child but I was never really allowed to be a kid because of how I grew up, and during the years I was able to I was dissociated throughout the whole thing so it either feels like those memories dont belong to me, or are just gone entirely. Not being able to remember much is scary and I feel overdramatic when I think about it but I've come to realise how much it really impacts me. I've been doing great lately and my medication has been helping but I still have so many issues to work through, I am still suicidal sometimes but then I remember how joyous the world makes me, there is still so many people to talk to, friends to make and art to observe so I will keep living because the world is kind and I want to kind aswell.

I AM EXPERIENCING ZOLOFT WITHDRAWAL. I am currently unable to afford more medication and the withdrawal effects have made me feel constantly neauseous and as if Im in a constant state of vertigo, im also often unable to afford groceries because we have to pay the bills. I hate having to choose medication, food or having a home. this sucks!